Intoxicated

Have you ever felt addicted to a feeling. The feeling someone gives you that you can't shake it off. Not even any substance can replace this addiction. This high I can't get enough of. You know it's bad, you know you can't have it yet you want to define every means of impossible and own it. You at the end of the day it's gonna hurt you bad but the high at very moment it's worth it. You just gotta have it. Why are humans designed to be this way? Is this what people describe as living it? Why do we put our mental and emotions into test like this?

He was the perfect bad boy. The kind of bad boy I want. The kind of bad boy that I dream of. Dangerous and dreamy. The kind of bad boy that leaves your body and mind into a trance. When you're with him, you feel you can take the world without fear. And you know he's bad for you but you want. The high you get when you're with him. The adrenaline rush is too much to handle. It is addictive. You never want the high to end. And when it does, you feel your world has shattered into pieces. Reality comes knocking on the door asking you to wake up and pick back the pieces but you don't. It's like a designer drugs, keeps you motivated. Drives you that everything you do is for the high. You stay in the trance of wanting more.

Your mind now is on a mad man mode. You know you can't have him. He's a bad boy. He will hurt and he will never love you the way you want him to but you make excuses for yourself. You tell yourself maybe he will. You comfort your precious heart telling yourself "He likes me. If he doesn't why would he even want to spend time with me?" but deep down you know you're lying. Deep within your heart you know the answer, without you there are plenty other women for him. You are definitely not the only one. Now you are truly mad. All these voices playing in your head.

Love is one true drug. It gets you so high and when it comes down it drives a single person mad.

The Truth is

He was not my boyfriend. On the other hand, he wasn’t just a friend either. Instead, our relationship was elastic, stretching between those two extremes depending on who else was around, how much either of us had to drink, and other varying factors. This was exactly what I wanted, as commitments had never really been my thing. And it wasn’t like it was hard, either. The only trick was never giving more than you were willing to lose.

Of Love, Hate and Vengeances

It's been a long and tiring weekend. A really long tiring weekend. I spent my weekend longing to go out because when I'm home, all I could think of is how could he? How could he rudely messaged my mother and blackmailed her? I mean after all what's your fucking problem seriously? Is he mental or something? And then he wanted to ask money. Assort money from my mum but have no balls to come and talk to me. I mean what kind person are you? What have you turned into? Like I knew you were an idiot all these while but not to this extend of fucked up. Like I couldn't wrap my brain around it. Is like harassing my mother wasn't enough, he went and harass my friend. Telling his same old pathetic sob stories thinking people would actually believe him. I feel so stupid thinking everything would be fine. As long as he's not in my life anymore, everything is alright. Nope. As much as I would like to feel sorry for him, I just can't bring myself to admit this person is someone I used to love because it's disgusting. Every aspect of him now is disgusting me. I used to think back all our memories and they were pretty good until yesterday. I feel disgusted. Not even our memories could make me feel better about it. It's just disgusting how one will fall trap into things like money and drugs. Like how more retarded can he be? I was so disgusted to a point that I deleted all of our pictures of my phone, Macbook and Instagram. I never used to delete anything from my Instagram because for me Instagram is like a walk down memory lane, good or bad I would like to keep it there but what he did was too much. Just way too much. I couldn't handle it. While I was deleting all the pictures, I do not feel anything but regret that at one point of my life I wanted him so badly I was too blind to see that there's so much more the world could offer me. I literally let him into my life and break my heart into pieces. I've never felt so stupid before. Now we now how blind one can be when it comes to love. I don't even think I ever can imagine myself being that kind of gf but now whatever it is, I am glad to know that I could move without him. Even all these threats and all no longer affect me anymore. I am glad I grow out of it. Although it made me a little restless and obviously furious but the more I though about it, the more sense it made, there's no point getting all worked up over someone who's as rotten as he is. Is like being mental with a mental. I am fine but I really do hope this person would fucking leave me alone because I just can't deal with him anymore. With his childishness, idiotic act, brainless word diarrhea that comes out from him. I am so sick of it already. It's like 4 years is not long enough, after breaking up I still need to deal with him? I really do hope this will end ASAP because 2014 has been bad enough for me coz of him and I still have to deal with him until when? I am so ready to put all these behind me and pretend none of this happens but he's just like an annoying pest that wont leave you alone. He could have just left when he was at his best and leave the best memory but he have to tint it with all these nonsense. I seriously don't understand. Maybe some people just can't stand the idea that I am moving on and being happy and all. I guess this is a lesson myself, do not trust people so easily anymore. It might be hard because but it's just sad that I have to be this person whereby i doubt everyone and build these high walls because I used to be very trusting towards others and always believe in the good of many but I guess I had to join the mean mean world of society and accept the fact life isn't like how it used to and there are no longer anyone is sincere towards you anymore. Every act and thinking is a motive.

Dating older guys

It's been awhile since I've actually went on a date with someone older and it excites me a little because ever since i dated him, I never thought of dating anyone older and I forgot how nice it was to go on a date with someone older. Well, I'm actually looking at all the perks of going out with someone older although it was just one date.

1. He makes plans with you instead of saying "anything,up to you" . Its like you tell him what you want roughly, he would think over and come up with something that compromise the needs of both of us. (Super plus point)
2. He pays super a lot of attention to you. (Me likey) I love how he pays attention to even to the smallest details about you. Ok the right word would be how attentive he is. Super attentive ah! Like really tiny details of your needs is taken care of.Walau! Super touched lorr.
3. How clean his house is. OMG! The houses/room of all the boys ( younger guys) I visited is a nightmare but older man or guys tend to take really good care of their crib.
4. All the cool gadgets that they have. So awesome! Guys will always be guys and with them working and earning, they have the power to spend and buy whatever they want and the amount of awesome gadgets they have is just over the top!
5. Their house is like Doremon's pocket. It's like whatever you need, he has it at home. Like how sick I was and he you know had all these medication from Chinese to Western. It makes you feel like home. 
6. He tuck you to bed. Put blanket on you, boiled some Chinese Herb thingy, make you drink it and pat you on the head for finishing it. You know that warmth feeling make you all fuzzy inside.
7. He knows how to cook a dish or two like cooking porridge for you coz you're as sick as fuck and he knows it suck being sick and all alone with your family away from you so he downloads cartoons, let you sit in the living room, eat your porridge while watching cartoon and feeds you. 
8. He spoon you to sleep. Nothing sexual he just spoon you to sleep. Making sure you're comfortable and all.
9. He wakes up earlier than you, make you Milo and bring it to the room for you as you watches him getting ready for work. (Sexiest thing ever!)
10. A real man does his laundry, knows how to clean up after himself and still look good.

I think i might be in love with this guy already.Seriously why?!Why do i keep on thinking that only younger guys can keep up or tolerate my shit.It's so not true. Older guys know exactly when and how to spoil you and make you happy. Honestly this is one of the best first date ever. While on the couch I was thinking to myself is this all a show? Is he just doing this to impress me but if it is he wouldn't be so attentive. I don't know, maybe it's been awhile since someone actually taken such good care of me. I wanted to cry. So touched.

Boys.....

To be honest, I have been dating since I was like what?14?15?I can't even remember till recently I'm single again. It feels weird to be single. This kind of freedom, I'm not used to it but somehow I vaguely remember how I used to have this kind of fun while being in a relationship but somehow always followed up with a guilt at the back of your mind. You know how you have to lie and all just because you want to have fun? At this moment, I kinda miss where you can go home to someone and tell someone how's your day and problems or gossip or just anything under the stars but then again I think about all the hassle of how I need to please the other person. Is like its bad enough I have to please my mother ( she's one difficult person to please mind you) I have to please this another person. God why don't you just kill me NOW! Being single has given me a lot of opportunity to go out and meet new people but so far none of them has given the feeling whereby I am willing to give up my freedom. Am I really getting older and becoming more picky when it comes to guys? Or is it because my last relationship was literally the most fucked up relationship I ever had that I no longer want to get my heart broken or getting hurt anymore? Or maybe all the guys I meet are still BOYS? I'm not talking about age, I'm talking about maturity and the people that are surrounding me currently are all BOYS! I wan a man now, not a boy! I wan someone who will inspire me intellectually. Someone who will give me security and someone who can provide me stability. WOW! So many requirement. You know what? Such guys does not exist. He only exist in movies and books. I feeling a little like Carrie Bradshaw right now looking for love. But its easier for her to meet guys while me on the other hand only staring at guys thru my phone or computer. It's so weird with all these technology we still feel so lonely. Aren't these technology suppose to help us? Help us communicate better with others? Connect with others better? So why are feeling even more lonelier than ever? WHY? I guess i will never get my answer till then children remember "BOYS ARE BAD NEWS"! They go around and break your heart and make you sad.

Message for him

You thought I couldn’t do this without you, but guess what, I sleep great at night now. I don’t hurt because you’re not here. I just had to learn to accept it and move on, and I did. But you, you’re the one who keeps crawling back. So next time you think “Oh hey, she’s happy, got to mess that up,” it’s not going to happen, because this time, you’re not going to get what you want. This time, I’m going to get what I want and what I want, is not you.

Wise Words

“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.” - Meryl Streep